​My mother in law passed away this morning. She spent the better part of her life in chronic pain that was difficult to manage. But her struggles did not keep her from doing the things she enjoyed, like baking, sewing, crafting, making cards and sharing her love of all these things with her grandchildren. This past weekend, after we realized she was heading toward the end of her time here on earth, all our local family, and her son who was not-so-local, spent several hours with her. Eleven of us gathered at her bedside to tell her we loved her, as we prayed over her and sang her favorite songs and hymns. The youngest of us was 3 months old.

Our family represented several decades, an infant and a 3-year-old, a few teens, and others in their 20’s 30’s and 50’s. And I was grateful everyone who lived nearby came. Because deaths, like births, are spiritual times. We question our mortality and consider our faith. In fact, during such times our faith is tested as we ask or think about the challenging questions:

Is God real?
Does He love me?
Why is this happening?
Can I trust God?

These are crucial questions for everyone to ask. If you don’t know what you believe and why you believe it, you are more susceptible to being tossed by every wind of doctrine. And you’ll feel like that, thrashed about and bruised.

I love that my highly inquisitive, 15-year-old was there, making assessments and asking her own tough questions. She was a little surprised, even intrigued, that her Gram’s death affected her so deeply. Experiencing the effect of someone’s death on our heart and mind, is why it is important to allow our children to witness death. Through observing death, we learn how natural the life cycle is. Some day in the future, my daughter will experience others in their last moments on earth and she will be better equipped to handle it because she was able to be with her Gram as she was passing from this earth. In the safe environment of our family, she was able to ask questions about life and mortality, faith and trust in God, what we believe and why, and through each experience she will be able to adjust what she believes. As do I.

Often the first experience children have with death is that of a pet. I remember when my tabby cat Socrates died when I was about ten years old. I was devastated. But I’m grateful I had the opportunity to lose a few pets and, likewise, I’m grateful my children have experienced the deaths of several pets. Caring for pets has given us the opportunity to share our faith and beliefs about death when those animals pass on. Our children need to know our beliefs in order to begin to formulate their own beliefs as they mature.

Our faith, our belief systems, our worldview must be owned. My faith will not carry my children, my husband, my extended family members or any of my friends. My mom’s faith will not carry me. My son’s faith will not carry his friend. Each of us is required to find our own faith and walk in it. And no matter how far down we stuff them, witnessing death can bring all the deep questions to the surface. That is a good thing. While we don’t want to dwell on the tough questions all the time, we need to address them periodically and readjust our belief system accordingly.

Though we all wonder about it, the young ones usually ask if it hurts, and thankfully, with today’s medicines we can tell them that Gram is not in pain. We even met with her hospice nurses and watched them give her comfort care, swabbing her mouth with a lemon infused sponge. The older children will often ask defining questions about what will happen to Gram when she dies. In asking that question they are asking, “What will happen to me when I die?”

One of the first things we, as parents, must do, is address the questions ourselves…what do we believe, and why? Before we can give our children any answers, we need to have at least thought about life and death, faith and belief. And if after thinking, searching and researching we don’t really know, that’s OK. Just say that to your kids. They need to know you don’t have it all figured out. One of the things I’ve told my own children is that even if I don’t know the answers, I trust God and sometimes trusting Him is enough. You can even suggest doing research together. Read the Bible together to find out what God says about it. What is heaven? What is hell? And what do they mean to me?

To help your children build their own belief system regarding life and death, allow them to be exposed to death at young ages. Here are a few take-aways:

1. Prepare your children before you arrive at a funeral or the death-bed of a loved one.
2. Help your children understand you are hurting inside and might cry. And that’s OK.
3. Tell your children it’s OK for them to cry.
4. Explain that their loved one won’t be able to speak much, if at all.
5. If it’s in a hospital, there will most likely be equipment hooked up. Tell them that before you arrive.
6. Share with them your own beliefs about life and death.
7. Allow your children to see grieving and the pain of loss.

Even though my mother in law has ended her earthly journey, her passage helped the rest of us grow. I’m grateful for her. For her enthusiasm and zest for life, despite the daily pain she endured. When you have someone nearing death in your family, I encourage you to allow your children to be part of the family gathering. Let them learn how sacred, and oftentimes fragile, life is. Ask the questions aloud, pray, grieve, rejoice… and give your children time to express what they are feeling. You will all benefit from it.

**This article was originally written on March 13, 2018

"What can I do mom? I'm bored!" So goes the dreaded complaint of summer. If you are like most moms, you have an immediate response that might go something like this, "If you can't find something to do, I have plenty of housework for you!" My kids learned early on to engage themselves or I'd find some chore to occupy their time. We all know that play is considered a child's work, and that playing outside is fundamental to our child's growth. For years I searched yard sales and auctions to acquire inexpensive outdoor play equipment for our children. One time I came home ecstatic because I had won a school auction for a huge pile of pieces from a disassembled, redwood jungle gym...with no instructions on how to reassemble it. My husband dubbed it, "Ruth's Folly" and I don't believe we ever got it back together correctly. The good news is kids don't need a lot of fancy equipment to play. But they will thrive if you can offer them a safe, interesting outdoor space.

All children benefit from areas to play that are inviting, engaging and relatively safe. Let's get this summer started with backyards that draw our children out to play. 

​Please share in the comments below how you prepare your backyard to engage your children with outdoor play.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

​Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​​Copyright ©2018

​“Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Albert Einstein
 
When I was about 7 months pregnant with Lydia, our youngest, we took our family to the local Barnes and Noble bookstore to pick out books to read on our vacation. I remember that Katy, who had just turned 3, chose “The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup, and a Spool of Thread.” I was surprised she didn’t get a brightly colored children’s book. She and I discussed my concerns, but I soon realized that despite being the tender age of 3, she already appreciated beautifully rendered illustrations. Very young children can show aptitude in an area and as parents it is vital we learn how to notice what draws their attention. We need to encourage our child’s interests.

The story of when Katy chose this stunningly illustrated book lay buried under years of my memories, until recently, when I was writing another article and I remembered the day Katy chose “The Tale of Despereaux.” Katy is now 18 and an art major studying Art Education. She has been drawing and creating ever since she could hold a crayon. In fact, I remember the day I found her cutting out paper dolls, then upon further inspection discovered they were our family…all 10 of us. Over the past few years, she has branched out into creating fine art, illustrating books and comics, using pencil, charcoal, Copic markers, chalk, digital programs, watercolors, oils and acrylics. She is very good. And she loves it. But deep inside I must regularly calm my inner voice that tells me, “The starving artist could be your daughter.” Since I surely do not want my children to starve, this little voice can be difficult to ignore.
 
When my mom retired from teaching middle school Home Economics in the early 1980’s, the department closed with her. The closing of not only Home Economics departments but also, Shop, and often Art and Music departments, came mostly from budget cuts, but also from the push for increased studies in the STEM areas, Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. I am heartened to learn the acronym is now STEAM and includes the Arts. As Dr. Howard Gardner proposed in 1983, I firmly believe we operate under “Multiple Intelligences” rather than a single dominant area of ability. So finally, again, the Arts rank right up there with the other areas. As well they should.
 
The seven modalities or intelligences, according to Gardner, are:

• Linguistic (“word smart”)
• Logical-mathematical (“number/reasoning smart”)
• Spatial intelligence (“picture smart”)
• Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence (“body smart”)
• Musical intelligence (“music smart”)
• Interpersonal intelligence (“people smart”)
• Intrapersonal intelligence (“self smart”)
• Naturalist intelligence (“nature smart”)

 
When my children were studying about Multiple Intelligences, I clearly remember Katy coming home excited because the concept struck a chord deep within her. She has always struggled with mathematics and memorizing facts, so she found it very satisfying and encouraging to hear that her abilities in art, music and dance, are just as valuable as having an aptitude in math or science. We discussed how she could pursue a career in the Arts, and how it could be just as satisfying and supportive as a career in Biology or Engineering. Perhaps even more so.
 
To be completely transparent, I had already steered Rachel, Katy’s older sister, away from music when she was heading to college. Rachel chose to major in Biology and after graduation taught High School Biology with an online school. But her love of music, particularly piano and voice, drew her back and now she teaches at a music studio. Her strong aptitude and love for playing piano and singing won out. Our grown children have positions with a vast range of diversity: marketing for a short line railroad, medical research, deep wilderness missionary, teacher (biology, piano, voice), meteorologist, mechanical engineer, artist/musician…and yet to be decided.
 
Our son Tim, is an outdoor expert. His decision to go into Outdoor Education with the goal of becoming a deep wilderness missionary was the perfect fit. When Tim was only 18 months old, Bernie found Tim following him across our back field. The weeds were significantly higher than Tim and the only way Bernie knew Tim was following him was the rustling of the tall grass. Bernie stopped and waited, and when Tim finally caught up to Bernie, he was only wearing a diaper and his brother Cliff’s tall mud boots. The boots went right up to Tim’s thigh. We all marveled that Tim could walk in those boots, let alone traverse the back field. Tim has always loved the outdoors and continually shows great determination. He perseveres. Now he works with Solid Rock Outdoor Ministries as a missionary and takes groups of young adults, completely unplugged, into deep wilderness areas where they reach the end of their abilities and discover the goodness of God.
 
As parents we must never underestimate the importance of allowing our children to experience a multitude of activities, sports, and jobs. And to have them experience these activities unplugged. Start when they are young and don’t have a phone yet. If they are older and addicted to their phones, ask them to find somewhere (affordable) online that looks like a fun place to visit and plan a trip! Do what you need to pique their interest in the outdoors, in the arts, music, and other areas of self-expression. Encourage them to ask questions. If you don’t know the answer, look it up together. Treat them with respect. No question is too simple. “Why is the sky blue?” can be a great jumping off point for a study of the heavens. Help them develop a love of everything around them, of life. The perfect way to do this is to include your children in family activities. If you do not do family activities, propose some.
 
Our family has developed quite a few yearly activities…in addition to celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Every spring we tap our sugar maple trees, and even the little ones can help carry out the empty bottles to collect the sap. We boil it down until we have yummy maple syrup. And of course, this requires pancakes! When it is time to harvest apples in the fall we have Apple Fritter Day. Our whole family goes apple picking. Now that we have a 4-tree orchard, we pick the apples in our own yard. Then we make apple fritters. Take your family camping, hiking, and on road trips to other states. Experience the diverse landscape of our nation. If you travel across our country you will experience coastal, plains, mountains, volcanoes, deserts and rainforests. Study the various ecosystems as you experience them. You’ll discover the East and West coasts are quite different. Visit the cliff dwellings which offer an amazing opportunity to see how ancient people adapted to their environment. Introduce your children to thought provoking adventures.
 
If road trips are not your cup of tea or you simply cannot swing one, read to your children. Then be sure to do life skills with them. But do not simply give your child a broom and tell them to sweep the kitchen floor. Do it with them. Cook with your kids, garden and clean with them, include them when you fix the car. When you go shopping teach your children who can read to check prices and show the younger ones how to look for unblemished fruit. Have your children look through a cookbook together or look at recipes online and choose something that looks good. If they can write, have them make a list, then take them shopping with you for the ingredients. Every “real life” experience your children have with you, like setting the table, collecting the trash and grocery shopping, builds their base knowledge.
 
Our job as parents is to make sure our children have enough life experiences to make wise choices. When your child shows an interest in something, do everything in your power to get them help do it. When Cliff showed an interest in collecting coins, we took him to the local coin shop. He and his dad went so often, when Cliff was twelve, the owner offered him a job which he held for quite a few years. As it was apparent Katy showed interest in art, we made sure she had access to art supplies. She drew with superior quality Berol Prismacolor pencils (available at Sam’s), colored with crayons, chalk or markers, cut out her people, fairy or angel figures with children’s scissors, and she had access to glue and staples to hold her creations together.
 
What about your children? What do you notice them doing whenever they have time to do whatever they want? Follow these suggestions to discover your child's inner Einstein:

• Be intentional in observing your child’s interests.
• Do your best to give them opportunities to have a variety of experiences and exposures to all manner of activities.
• Encourage your child when you see sparks of inspiration.
• Allow questions and seek the answers together.
• Include your child in your life…cooking, cleaning, banking, shopping, etc. Do these things together with the intention of teaching skills.
• Help them be brave when they consider something outside their comfort zone.
• Expose them to things they might never think of trying.

 
What stories do you have of discovering an interest in your child? Please leave comments below. I’d love to hear what you think.

​Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​​Copyright ©2018

​Leaving her was the easy part, driving back alone was a different story. As a mom, you always know in the back of your mind that your child, in fact, all your children, will leave home someday. Some will chomp at the bit and cannot wait for the opportunity, while others are more reticent. Katy falls somewhere in the middle. She is in a period of life when she is figuring out her future – at least the next step she should take. All of us must navigate the uncharted territory in front of us at some point. 

Katy graduated high school last spring and yesterday I dropped her off in South Florida, with her older sister, Rachel, where she will help with Rachel’s new baby and work on her art. Her leaving is not a surprise, but it still pulls on my heart. She is going to live with two of the most solid, grounded, and wise people I know, but still it was hard to say goodbye. I won’t be there to hear all the little new things in her life, to sit on her bed and talk through a problem, or to hug her. I must trust her, and trust God to care for her. Her leaving is another step in my faith-walk. Even though I’ve had 6 other children leave home to make their way in the world, it doesn’t get any easier. But by now I have many more testimonies in my arsenal to attest that when the time is right, it’s important to let go. The first time we had to let go was with our son, Cliff.

Just after Cliff, our oldest child, graduated from high school, we went to our favorite beach condo in St. Augustine, Florida, for a week-long vacation. This particular condo was the perfect place for our family because one of the 3 bedrooms had 2 sets of bunk beds and from the balcony on its 2nd floor location you could see the entire pool area as well as the ocean. But that year the weather was not cooperative. We were sandblasted by buffeting winds and cold temperatures. So, on our second day there, we took all the kids to the local Barnes and Noble to pick out some books to read. I chose The Well-Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise which focuses on how to teach your children in the classical tradition, with emphasis on Latin, logic and thinking skills.

At first, I was excited to learn about the classical approach to education, but the more I read, the more depressed I became. One morning, about halfway through our week there, I awoke around 4 AM knowing I had failed Cliff. Here he was already graduated from high school and he knew no Latin. I hadn’t given him a class in logic. The tears just poured out, so I hurried to the bathroom, so I wouldn’t wake anyone. I had no idea how to fix this gaping hole in Cliff’s education. And as a homeschooling mom, I knew it was all my fault. My husband Bernie had made plans to take Cliff deep sea fishing that day, so he woke up around 5 AM to get ready, and found me sobbing in the bathroom. I went to the bed and tried to get control of my raging emotions. Bernie was at a loss because he and Cliff had to leave but he didn’t want to leave me there weeping in the dark. He found my Bible and tossed it into my lap, and encouraged me to read it. Then he and Cliff left.

Although I knew Bernie was right, I just stared at my Bible and had no sense of where to even start. I knew that the beginning is usually the best place to start but I decided I didn’t want to start in Genesis with the creation of the earth. So, I picked up my Bible, held it in front of me and declared to God, “I believe You can speak to me every time I read Your Word, so I am going to read this and expect You to minister to my hurting heart.” Then I opened it to the beginning of the New Testament, Matthew Chapter One. Well, I forgot it starts with the genealogy of Jesus. But something quickened in me when I saw verse after verse of names, and I affirmed aloud, “You can speak to me even through a list of names!” And I commenced to read,

“This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah, the son of David, the son of Abraham:
Abraham was the father of Isaac,
Isaac the father of Jacob,
Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers,
Judah the father of Perez and Zerah, whose mother was Tamar,
Perez the father of Hezron,
Hezron the father of Ram,
Ram the father of Amminadab,
Amminadab the father of Nahshon,
Nahshon the father of Salmon,
Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab,
Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth,
Obed the father of Jesse,
and Jesse the father of King David.
David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife…”

I read through the list out loud, slowly and as I did, it dawned on me that every person in the genealogy of Jesus was broken, sinful and needed God’s help. Even the fathers of the faith, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob!

Abraham walked with God and had a clear calling, but he tried to pass off his wife Sarah to Pharaoh as his sister when they were in Egypt because she was beautiful, and he was afraid Pharaoh would kill him.

Isaac gave his blessing to the wrong son, to his younger son, Jacob, when it should have been to his oldest son, Esau.

Jacob deceived his father into giving the family blessing to him instead of to his older brother.

Judah didn’t give his son Shelah to his daughter-in-law Tamar, after her first two husbands, his first and second sons, died, then he slept with her and she became pregnant. It’s a messy story…but that was the point, they are ALL messy stories.

Just like my story.

Yet there they were, in the genealogy of Jesus. Rahab and Ruth were both foreign women, but they are the grandmother and great-grandmother of King David. David slept with a married woman, then had her husband killed. Nevertheless, he was a friend of God.

After I read these and thought about them, I remembered the scripture in Zechariah 4:6, “So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.” I was beginning to feel some measure of peace.
​
Cliff’s success didn’t depend on whether he had taken Latin or logic, but he would be ok because it would be by God’s Spirit. Then I asked the Lord how He saw Cliff. I truly wanted to see Cliff the way God saw him. And the thought came to me to look up Matthew 3:16 – 17. At first, I argued it should be John 3:16 since I knew that verse by heart. But I again thought Matthew 3:16-17. So, I looked it up. What I read made me cry tears of unabashed amazement. “As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

My heart was rocked. Does God really see my son as He sees His Son, Jesus? Is He well-pleased with him? And I know the answer. Because God sees Jesus when He looks at any believer – He sees Cliff the same way He sees Jesus. I was blown away. Encouraged and filled with hope, I thanked God for revealing this to me in such a poignant way. I could trust God because it was by His Spirit that Cliff would live and I didn’t have to worry about any holes in his education or anywhere else in his life. Because God was, and is, in control. He would take care of it for me.

Likewise, I can trust God with Katy. He will fill any gaps in how she was raised or in her education. I can rest in Him knowing He has a plan for the future of each of my children and for me…and His plans are always exceedingly, abundantly better than mine.

How have you experienced letting go? Please leave your comment in the section below.

​“NO!!!!” And with that declaration, 3-year-old Grace stomped her tiny foot with all the strength she could muster. She left me in no doubt about her wishes. This scenario was not an isolated event…I remember well those days of small, stomping feet and strong expressed sentiments. As the fifth of eight children, Grace was in a constant battle for recognition and attention. And her early years provided me a wonderful opportunity to learn and understand why children refuse to obey us or do outrageous things to be noticed. This then illuminated some insights that helped me to parent her better, and ensure a level of peace and respect in our home.

​Grace figured out early on that dramatic actions garnered more attention. When she was only 9 months old, as we were celebrating her dad’s birthday, she grabbed 9-year-old Jonathan’s hair. And she would not let go. In fact, she started laughing. The more Jon cried out, the harder she pulled. We literally had to pry her little hands out of his hair. Bernie explained she needed to repent, and to be sorry, for hurting Jonathan. As soon as she heard her daddy’s explanation, Grace crossed her arms, and stubbornly looked away. Bernie told her she needed to ask Jonathan to forgive her. While Bernie was talking, Grace looked at him, but as soon as he finished, she crossed her arms and looked away again. When your little child does something like this, please control the impulse to laugh. Yes, they are adorable, but you will just make your life more miserable when baby realizes that unruly behavior gets laughs. So, instead of laughing, or getting angry, Bernie peacefully packed her up, left the party, and took her back to our house. He was calmly teaching her the expectations of our family. Good parents are willingly inconvenienced for the sake of their child’s heart, even on their birthday.
 
Back at the house, Bernie took Grace up to her bedroom, put her in her crib, and explained again what was expected of her. He prayed with her that she needed to change her heart about pulling Jonathan’s hair. He explained he would be back to check on her in 3 minutes. Once more, she crossed her arms and looked away. He went back after 3 minutes and asked Grace if she was ready to ask forgiveness. You guessed it. She crossed her arms and looked away. He prayed with her again and left the room. This pattern continued for about 2 hours, when Bernie finally heard Grace calling for him. When he went back in she was standing in the crib clearly interested in hugging him. He picked her up and she hugged and kissed him. She displayed every indication her heart had changed so Bernie brought her back to the party. As soon as she saw Jonathan she hugged and kissed him. And, to my knowledge, she never pulled his hair again. Bernie stayed with her until she chose to change her heart. Getting to the root, the heart, of an issue is the only way to really change it. And that takes time. To be a good parent takes time.  
 
Our family places value on asking forgiveness when we have injured someone. Saying I am sorry is a start but asking someone to forgive you carries the understanding that I know I have wronged them. As parents, our interest is to help our children learn to care for others beyond themselves, and to understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And we start when the children are babies.
 
In Grace’s case, her position in the family contributed greatly to her outbursts. To be more precise, my lack of response to her need for attention, because I was constantly bombarded by the needs of my other children, often brought her to the breaking point. You’ve heard the saying, “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”? Grace apparently needed more attention than I was giving her. She tried and tried to get my attention and eventually acted out. Once I realized this, I spent more time with her and gradually her eruptions decreased. As parents, our goal is give our best attention to each child before they need it. We need to intentionally disciple them, so we have less need to discipline them.
 
Both discipling and disciplining are connected to behavior. Several definitions might be helpful here, to make sure we are all on the same page. Nearly everyone has heard of Jesus and his disciples. A disciple is someone who follows another and desires to be taught by them. To disciple means to teach through observation of behavior in a close relationship. This is the definition I think of when I work with my children. They are my disciples because they are my children. I want to be someone worth following and emulating.

By contrast, discipline means to train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. Discipline works on behavior through application by teaching the rules and using punishment if those rules are broken. I want to use discipline or punishment only when necessary. I use this corrective form of teaching when a child knows the rules of our desired behavior and yet willfully disobeys. Personally, I dislike punishments, and so I communicate with my children well in advance of all activities, so they know what to expect from us as parents, and what is expected of them.
 
Ideally, as parents, our goal is to consider our relationship with our child as paramount, so focusing on teaching them as a disciple is clearly preferred. But we need to discipline them by meting out a sanction when they have willfully broken a rule. Disciplining your child can include time-out, which is essentially putting the child away from the activities going on in the house; being grounded, which is not allowing your older child to hang out with their friends; or removing a treasured activity or item, like their cell phone or the privilege of watching TV. Some parents choose to spank, while others prefer not to use any form of physical punishment. Whatever methods you employ, always be sure you are calm, in control of yourself, even grieved by their behavior, before you engage your child.
 
I much prefer to disciple my kids and work to reduce the need to discipline them. 

By discipling our children, explaining what is expected from them, and letting them know beforehand what they can expect to happen, we will begin to develop trust. And trust is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
 
How do you engage your children? What do you do to gain access to their heart? How do you build trust? Please post your thoughts and comments below.
​

​Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
Copyright © 2018

Katy and Lydia, my two youngest daughters, are having a sleepover this weekend. The fun began just because they wanted to see their friends and catch up. Not so different than I feel about my friends, except we don’t do sleepovers. Although I love for my girls to have their friends over, and for them to connect, I was less than enthusiastic about the timing of this get-together. The girl’s shared bedroom, bathroom and bunk bed were in rough shape. Along with the multiple leftovers from their older sisters’ occupation of the same room, they have added two dressers, a huge swivel chair and more clothing than I care to mention. To my knowledge, no one wears much of the clothing anymore but somehow it keeps getting stuffed into drawers. Don't judge me, but I gave up on their room a long time ago. But knowing they had friends coming soon rekindled my concern and I just couldn't shake it. Something had to be done. 

In addition to the girls’ bedroom being stuffed to the gills, I'm struggling to pare down our collection of books, of which I have way too many. After using them over the past 25 or so years for personal growth and homeschooling purposes, these books have become treasured friends. Each one elicits a memory. So my house is completely overwhelming to me right now. But as Robert Frost says, “… the best way out is always through.”
 
Into this mess enter my lovely daughters, and the knowledge that they had less than two days to make the upstairs at least hospitable, if not inviting, to their friends. I don't know where it came from but they had what was needed to tackle this task. Whatever you call it; we need it when the rubber meets the road: motivation, inspiration, incentive, drive. Of course, as often happens when we become filled with the enthusiasm to finish a herculean job, like cleaning a house, there were a number of hurdles to overcome. Mainly, both had a lot of homework, due next week, with some assignments actually due online this weekend. But they were determined and *highly motivated* to get their room clean, and so they came to me for suggestions. Since I always triage by making lists, we came up with what needed to be done and which of those items needed to be done first. This gave them a blueprint for success.

To begin, I told them to work on the area where they felt the most pressure while I took my mom for her physical therapy appointment. Katy felt more pressure to clean their room; while Lydia perseverated over the several big assignments she had looming. So Katy began in their bedroom while Lydia started on her U.S. history assignment. Shortly after mom and I had left the house, Katy called not knowing where in the room she should start. I understood her dilemma...the room was covered in stuff. I suggested she get one of the big clear plastic bins to collect and box up all the things they wanted to keep…like their American Girls dolls and accessories. That would take her at least until we were finished my mom's appointment.

​When we returned home, Katy had not only boxed up all the dolls they wanted to keep, but she had nearly filled a giant trash bag with stuff to throw out and another bag with clothes and stuffed animals to give away. And to top it off, Lydia had finished over half her assignment. My mom and I had only been gone about one and a half hours. At this point, Katy had an online exam to take so we sent her to take it while Lydia came up to work in the room. About an hour later Katy returned and the three of us worked the rest of the day. We experienced stunning success with our teamwork. By evening we had completely filled both the trash bag of stuff we were throwing out and started on another bag of trash, and we filled the one of stuff to donate. Then we dusted and vacuumed. Their room looked great. Yes, there is still more to purge, but we made a real dent. They were extremely happy and I was very pleased...and relieved.  
​

Sometimes we want our lives and homes in order, sometimes we want less stuff to occupy our time, sometimes we want to be intentional in how we structure our lives. Other times we want to make, write or create something, but never get around to doing it. All too often we lack the motivation or oomph to do the very things we want to do.  
​
So let's break it down and figure this out.
What is motivation anyway and how do we get it?

Back when I was in college I did my senior research paper over the summer. I was interested in biofeedback while my roommate that summer was doing research on internal versus external locus of control...or is the source of our motivation intrinsic or extrinsic? 

Let's consider the girls cleaning their room for a sleepover. Are they motivated to do it because something external is making life miserable (e.g., Mom yelling about the messy room) if they don’t? 

Or are they motivated by something internal, like shame (their friends are coming over and they don't want to appear to be slobs) or desire (inspired by pictures of beautifully inviting rooms on Pinterest)

There is a quote that goes something like, "Motivation is when not doing something is more painful than doing it." In this scenario we do it because the pain is greater than if we don't. And this is where another factor comes into play...I need to have a clear focus on what I want, my “WHY” 

WHY I want the girls to declutter and purge their room
WHY I want the same for the house in general 

I will continue to struggle to get rid of the clutter and eliminate what isn’t necessary. 

The external motivation for me is the struggle to cope with all the stuff.
                                                           Every. Single. Day.
 
The internal motivation is more inspirational, freeing me up, decluttering my mind and life to make room for the things I want to do. 
 
The premise for decluttering, living in a more minimalistic environment, is extremely motivational for me. Motivation. in general, will come as we seek to know our WHY. In my case, my WHY is to get rid of things I no longer need or use because "Less is more." When we know our WHY, when we understand the difference it will make in our lives, our minds clear out and our hearts can listen to our dreams and we can think of how to begin a new project or be creative in some new way. 
 
Here are some steps to get you started, to motivate yourself every day:
1. Start with your "WHY"
    What will it do for your life if you do this, or don't do this?
    This is your motivation.
    Write down these reasons.
2. Triage the steps you will need to do to accomplish your goal.
3. Plan.
    Schedule in your calendar the time to start.
​    Make some time to do it every day. 
    The time to do your steps will not appear if you do not plan for them.
4. Consider your WHY again. Keep it ever in front of you. This is your motivation.
5. Celebrate every step you accomplish. 
    Set up rewards for every step.
    No matter how small, rewards are an important part of establishing habits.

You've got this!!!

How and where do you find motivation? Please share below in the comments. I love to hear from you! ​

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​​Copyright ©2017

I am fascinated by the interactions and family dynamics on the new TV show, "This is Us." My daughter Grace and I work hard to get time to share it so we record every episode. That way, we can steal some time together to watch it. I won't reveal anything here but the character of Randall intrigues me. He wants to belong, to know where he is from and why he is different from everyone else. The show is slowly revealing his journey. One of my primary goals every year is that my children know they belong. So this year, much to the chagrin of my youngest, I ​gave them matching pajamas to wear on Christmas.            

This is us.
​Clearly we belong together.

​For years, social scientists have been researching and writing about how "belonging" should be considered a basic human need. Even the Bible talks about the need we have to belong. In Psalm 100, the Psalmist tells us, "Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture." And in the New Testament the Apostle Paul tells the Christians in Corinth, "whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or things present or things to come; all things belong to you, and you belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God." Jesus tells the story of the wastefully extravagant, or prodigal son who trashes his father, squanders his inheritance and when everything is gone and he's fighting with pigs for their food, has an epiphany. He realizes the servants in his father's house are treated better than he is at that moment, so he decides to go home and ask to be a servant in his father's home. He trudges home rehearsing a speech to beg of his father, but his father sees him at a far distance off, is filled with compassion and runs to meet him. He not only clothes him in a fine gown and puts a ring on his finger, he also throws a party for him, saying, "...let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and now is found!" I love this story from the Bible because I know I would be the grumbling older brother who thinks he's always tried to do what was right yet complains that dad never threw a party for him. But my heavenly Father would tell me, like the dad in the story tells his older son, "You have always been by my side, all I have is yours...come let's celebrate your brother's return." Both boys belong. Both have a home. So do I. And so do my children. So do you. So do your children. This thing called "belonging" is powerful. Very.

2. Accept your child. Precious little will separate your child from you quicker than feeling like what they do is never good enough for you. I cannot stress this enough...accept your child, as is!

​3. Love your child. Let your children and all family members know you love them...every single day. Even when throwing a tantrum or after making an unwise decision. They need to know your love is not conditional on their good or acceptable behavior or grades or accomplishments. You love them no matter what. They belong, but not because they did anything. They belong because they are.

4. Allow your child to figure things out, but let them know you are willing to help if they want. Give your child freedom. Do not micromanage them. Then they will be more likely to want to come to you when they need help. But if you hover, or worse yet, insist they do things your way, they will grow to resent your input and as they get older will come to you only as a last resort or not at all. To keep the ability to influence their decisions, trust them. Develop an atmosphere of trust when they are young. Tell them you expect them to make wise decisions...and if they make a poor decision, allow them to learn from it. Don't gloat, "I told you so." Tell them you love them. Ask, "How can I help you?" 

5. Keep communicating. Learn who your child is. Not what you want them to be. But what they want to be. Learn how to help them open up. Don't overreact. Stay calm. (So hard sometimes...I know.) Recognize when your child says "I don't want to go to school," or, "I don't fit in" that they are saying much more. They may feel isolated; they may be getting picked on or bullied. Learn how to impart love and acceptance with a heart to help. No judgment. We all make mistakes; we all have times when we hurt. Ask, "What do you think you should do?" You want to be the first person your child seeks out when they feel insecure, or at the very least you want them to choose wisely where they seek help and guidance. Be available, pray with them or over them, serve them, love them. 

​This list is really just the tip of the iceberg on how we help our children feel safe and know that they belong. But it is a start.
How do you impart belonging in your family?
How do your children know they belong? 
I would love to hear your ideas! Please comment below.

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
Copyright ©2017

Bam bam bam rat a tat tat Bam bam bam rat a tat tat...
All I could hear were the pounding beats of my oldest child, Cliff, practicing his drums. And I tried to appreciate it. Really. I did love that he wanted to play an instrument, particularly after he stopped taking piano lessons, but the banging noise coming up from the basement would get to me. There was no good time for him to practice. At least if anyone was home. I began to resent it, until his teacher made a comment that completely changed how I thought about his drumming.

His teacher told me, "I believe Cliff sees spiritually, and his desire to drum helps him open up to God while driving away evil." Clearly there are spiritual influences that we cannot see with our natural eyes. Her simple statement encouraged me to see with my spiritual eyes, to listen to him and consider Cliff's drumming in a new light, to appreciate his spiritual gifts, and his drive to play. This new perspective completely changed the way I responded to his drum practicing. Instead of dreading it, or getting angry at the constant pounding, I became excited and thought of God's Spirit filling our house as evil was being drummed out. I was blown away at how that one tweak in my perspective changed everything.

Youth expert, Josh Shipp, talks about our children's annoying habits and how it behooves us to consider that those very habits or traits are potentially their gifts. I had to change how I saw Cliff while he was drumming his heart out. We need to have a paradigm shift, to see our children in a different light. We need to learn to appreciate the very things that they do all the time. Even the annoying things and consider that those things are their bent, built into their personality. Our job, as parents, is to help them use that bent in a beneficial way. We do that by recognizing their traits as gifts, and talents from God, hardwired into them for a specific purpose.

Their purpose. God's purpose.

If you do this, I promise you, how you view your children will improve dramatically. You will see in them vast reservoirs of potential instead of their annoying or irritating habits.

Cliff's younger brother, Tim, also required me to have a paradigm shift. He has always been extremely active, so much so I had to let him stop working on school assignments every 10-15 minutes to take a break. He bounced and jumped and ran around constantly. We figured out ways to keep his need for activity under control so he could focus. It wasn't easy, but he made it to adulthood. Now he works for an outdoor ministry in Laramie, WY, and takes groups of people into the wilderness to be challenged physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. and ultimately, to discover God. He was made to do this.

In fact, each of my kids has required me to see them as they could be. It is the best way to be an encouraging parent.

          So let's figure this out...

• What annoying trait(s) does your child display  All. The. Time.?

         
          And based on this:

• What do you think your child might be "designed" or "hardwired" to do?

For example:

1. Does your child talk a lot? If they are young, work on recognizing weak arguments, improving vocabulary or writing down their stories. If older, debate teams would love to train them to think critically.
2. Does your child run around a lot? Put them on a cross country team or into gymnastics.
3. Is your child loud, obnoxiously so? Cheer teams might catch their attention.
4. Does your child fight, punch and kick? Look into enrolling them in a martial arts studio. I promise you, they will learn to hone their skills and be required to respect others.
5. If your child loves the computer, find a local programming class.
6. Is your child pulling apart your appliances and probably not putting them back together? Tell them they cannot take stuff apart unless they put it back into working order, or get them old appliances to fix. Better yet, put them on a local robotics team. There are Lego robotics teams for even young children.

​The key is to see your child through the eyes of their potential. 

The biggest hurdle we as parents have to overcome is actually being annoyed or interrupted by our loud, irritating child. Not responding in our usual manner of ignoring them, or telling them to be quiet is critical here. We need to take time to stop what we are doing, look at them, hear them and respond appropriately to them. Work on responding from the paradigm shift, and your new perspective. This is being the adult... and guess what? Our children need us to be adults. Mature and forgiving. Offering insight and our support. ​But we cannot act on what we do not know. So let’s remember to take the time to listen to our kids and then act accordingly. Our children will thank us. Here's an article I wrote about "How to Talk to your Child so they Listen...and Hear you:

What habits do your children have that annoy you? Can you see which ones have merit and could be trained with proper teaching into a talent or trait they can use as they mature? I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Let's learn from each other...
Please leave comments or questions in the Comments section below. 


​Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
©2016

"Be careful! Don't fall!" I hate when those words escape my lips. It's not that I want my child to be injured, but I want to raise strong, confident kids, and we all know words have power...to build or destroy. I clearly remember moving into our current house. The box I was carrying was huge, extremely hard to maneuver through the front door, but my struggle with it paled in comparison to what I found inside. 

My heart jumped into my throat as I saw 13 month old Timmy dangling from the upstairs landing. His little body was at least 10 feet above the living room; he had one foot on the edge and one hand hanging onto the railing. He was actually waving at me with his free hand. And laughing. He wasn't even old enough to speak yet. All I could think was, "Look ma, no hands!" Despite the terror that gripped my heart, I managed my most cheerful, "Wow Timmy! Look how strong you are! You are hanging on so tightly! What big muscles you have!" And as I tore up the stairs to grab him, I silently prayed he wouldn't fall. 

​Last week, Tim guided a small group into the mountains of Wyoming for 10 days, to be challenged physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. That was his second time to lead a group into the wilderness to be confronted and tested, to grow, to find God when they reached the end of themselves. It's his job, his ministry. Now it's his turn to impart confidence to others, and he is very good at it. How much those words said to him, before he could even speak, affected him, I don't know. But I do know his dad and I spent the first 25 years of his life (he's 26) telling him he could do anything into which he put his heart, mind, body and soul. We tell that to all our kids. And our children's friends. We all need to encourage confidence in others.

Even though I usually manage to give life affirming words, it's not always where my heart resides. In the core of my being, I often find fear lurking. Thoughts that one of the kids will be hurt or die can all too easily strangle any vision God is trying to plant in me for that child. For years after a bridge on the New York Thruway collapsed, I would take longer routes around town to avoid driving over bridges, no matter how small, because every time I did, in my head I would think all sorts of intense thoughts like:

What would I do should the bridge collapse?
How I would get all the babies out of their car seats?
How would I get everyone out of the car?
How would I get them out of the raging waters?

​It's how I'm wired. And until I was willing to trust their lives to God completely, I would envision how to undo the car seat buckles if I was underwater holding my breath and couldn't see. I'd try to figure out which older child could get which younger child and how in the world I'd get them all out of the car while it was going underwater. One day I realized I couldn't do it alone. Either angels would help us, or someone would die. That moment was both monumentally terrifying and liberating.
But that's another story...

My husband, however, isn't wired like me. While he wasn't happy to hear how the railing in our new home wasn't built to code and Timmy could slip through the rungs, he didn't worry about what could happen, at least not the way I do. He, in stark contrast to me, matter-of-factly said we would get something to cover the rungs. That evening we were in Babies 'R Us buying railing netting...who knew such stuff existed? It has worked beautifully for 25 years. He brings reason and a sensible clarity to our lives. And he encourages us to try things outside our comfort zone.

A friend of mine tells the story of hiking as a family and her husband allowing the kids to look over the edge of a steep cliff. As her children cautiously peered over the rim, she realized if she was going to let her husband handle things his way, she had to be willing to let them die. She had reached her emotional breaking point, and was completely out of her comfort zone. What is considered common sense by one person, another sees as recklessness, and this is often the difference between many moms and dads. Dads, for the most part, will push the envelope a little further (or a lot further) than most moms. Our level of acceptance is generally quite different. And it is the hardest thing in the world to keep quiet about it. While we feel like we are potentially saving our kids lives, we need to trust dad, and God in dad, to be wise. What seems reckless to us may be exactly what our kids need. 

And while some kids need encouragement to try new things, even things that have inherent risk, others need to be held back and taught wise judgment. Our job, as parents, is to know the difference. Both perspectives are needed for true wisdom. Our children need to learn common sense as they learn to try things that entail differing levels of danger. We want them willing to try things that may be out of their comfort zone, simply for the experience that leads them to realize they can do things they may have never thought they could do. And while there are always exceptions, I've found the dads tend to encourage those aspects in our kids more than the moms. And the best place and time for our kids to learn safe ways to take risks is while they are still living at home and are under our guidance. 

The bottom line is we need to make sure our children grow up confident to try things, and we do that by encouraging them. Our dare-devils need to be helped to see dangers and act with wisdom, while our cautious kids need to be encouraged to expand outside their comfort zone.

​Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​©2016

I love words. Witty word-plays, puns, and even the occasional double entendre. But "snark," the younger, looser brother of wit, all too often spills out. Not to mention snark's granddad, sarcasm, who carries a well-honed edge that cuts like teeth. Unfortunately, I can wield those word-swords with the best. So for about as long as I can remember, I have been trying to control the words that exit my mouth.

​To think before I speak.

I've discovered that even people who are straightforward in their communication skills can struggle to use even simple words that edify and build: 

"I am so proud of you!" 
"You are a gem." 
"I love you!"

Why do we find it hard to automatically say words that encourage, but all too easy, especially when angry, stressed or unhappy to spew forth: 

"Get out! I can't stand being around you!"
​"You are stupid." 
"You'll never amount to anything."

Or worse yet, "Why can't you be like your sister, (or brother, or whomever...)?"

Even, "Is this your best?" or "You can do better!" becomes a put-down when said to the normally straight-A student who comes home with a B.
​
​All these words just crush the spirit.

I distinctly remember those occasions when I felt like I would never be good enough. And that is the last thing I want my children to feel. I want them to know they are treasured, valued and loved...and NOT because they do anything a certain way...but because they ARE. 

​So-- 
How do we cultivate an atmosphere or culture of encouragement in our homes?  
How do we build homes where our children want to bring their friends to visit?
How do we make our homes safe havens from the craziness of the world? 

​We start by watching and controlling what we say and how we say it.

I am continually amazed at the power words hold over us. The words you speak now will shape and influence your children for years. Without even touching your child, you can change the course of his or her life. Just by your words. 

In an article  reprinted by the Huffington Post, Dr. Hyder Zahed talks about an analogy that, as a mom, I find very useful. He says, "Gary Chapman in his book, Love as a Way of Life, uses the vivid metaphor for words as being either ‘bullets or seeds’."

This is powerful.

​If I think of my words as being a bullet designed to tear apart my child, I become cognizant that I am bringing them down, and with them, my home. But if I think of my words as seeds, planted in the fertile soil of my child's heart and mind, designed to thrive, my words can bring growth and life to my family and home.

You can read the entire Huffington Post article here. 

​The Bible is full of verses that talk about the power of the tongue. Consider these verses from the third chapter of the book of James: 

"Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check."

"The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness." 

"Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

These are powerful implications...we can figuratively burn down our homes with the evil words we speak over our families. 

Obviously people have been having this problem for a long time. But I want to be a woman who builds my house, not one who drags it down with my ugly mouth. So here are a few things I do, or try to do, especially when angry:

1. Stop speaking. 
This may seem too simple, but honestly, when I'm angry if I just stop talking things get corrected way more quickly than if I keep spouting. 
Just remember the advice Thumper's mother gave him in the Disney movie Bambi:
"He doesn't walk very good, does he?"
"Thumper? What did your father tell you this morning?"
"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

2. Walk away until I can be reasonable.
​Another simple thing to do. Most parenting groups advocate counting to 10...or 100. However long it takes for you to get your breath and think clearly and realize your screaming 2 year old is not trying to be obnoxious or choosing to annoy you, but probably needs something...your attention, food, diaper change, to be comforted, to sleep...the list goes on and on but your child needs you in some capacity and you need to think clearly enough to figure out what to do, without resorting to something you'll regret.

3. Put down my phone.
My phone can absolutely rule me. When I'm reading something or responding to someone, it seems so much more important than my whiny child...or at least more enjoyable. It is not fun to take care of a fussy baby or demanding child, but that's my job...that's your job...and we want to do the best job we possibly can. So by putting down our phones, we will be able to think more clearly and respond with reason. 

4. Ask my child to forgive me.
If I have yelled, or gone into my warp-speed New Jersey accent, and said things that hurt my child, I ask them to forgive me. I've been doing this for years and I think it has helped my kids realize I'm not perfect, far from it, but they know I want to be a good mom and love them well. Above all I want them to know they are loved. Completely. All the time.

5. Actively look for and comment on the things my child has done well that day
Things done with kindness, or unselfishly. The key is to comment on how proud you are of how kind or unselfish they are. We can go incredibly far beyond simply not speaking if we can't think of something nice to say by actively pursuing specific words that will build up our children.
In Proverbs 16:24 we read:
​"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
We can choose to bring life to our homes and families. I want to be this kind of woman, mom, wife, and friend. Everyday. 

Real compliments, acknowledging when our child does something good, noble, trustworthy or kind, is absolutely imperative. Noticing, even small things, (sharing a toy, asking politely, not yelling or not grabbing the cat's tail) and choosing to commend our children will instill in them confidence and courage, strength and hope. And eventually you will find them encouraging others. 

Let's say yes to Ephesians 4:29:
​Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

I would love to hear how you handle your words. Or let me know if you struggle with this as I have. Please leave me a comment below and let's encourage each other.  

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​©2016

It’s not every day you get an education about raising diligent and cheerful kids by someone laying floors in your home, but today I did. Jim is not only a friend, but an incredible contractor, builder, and cabinet maker. If you can envision something, he can build it. Right now Jim is building an apartment in our basement for my parents, who have already moved in with us since their house sold quickly. And this week, during the day, we are watching grandsons, Blake, who is 3, and Cayden, who is 9 months. We always have a houseful. Today Blake was more than intrigued by all the construction and at first stood quietly in the doorway, watching the flooring go down. Before long though, Blake was in the room chattering away, asking questions about what they were doing. The workers are great guys, 2 are Jim's sons, and were more than happy to throw answers and questions right back at him. Then I heard Blake in another room. I went in and found Jim and Blake sitting on the floor figuring out how to start the flooring in that room. Jim had Blake handing him screws as he put down the first board. When they finished, Jim gave Blake the box of screws to carry as he said, “Come on Blake, we have work to do!” And Blake cheerfully trotted after him. Jim gets it.

And ​​Disney gets it. Consider for a minute the words to "Whistle while you work..." or "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down..." The entire Disney empire was built on bringing us movies with themes and songs that lift our chins a little higher and help us face another day. Disney movies show us the reward received from hard work and teach us that the key to enjoying hard work is your attitude. 

One of my greatest joys is being around young people who love to be creative, hard-working and know how to make chores enjoyable, even fun. Do you know any kids, or even any adults, like that? Like Jim, they are usually accomplishing something of worth, often singing, or with music playing. Even if they are doing the dishes or mowing the lawn, they are contributing to the household with a pleasant attitude. Every generation has to deal with training our children to have attitudes that will make or break our families, and ultimately our cities, nation and global society. I happen to like how Disney puts it. Just whistle while you work. And yes, I am aware it's simplistic and possibly naive, but, even in the midst of mindless, endless chores, we can always find something for which to be grateful. And we can choose to enjoy work. But how do we pass on this value to our children?

I have children who work hard and usually have great attitudes while working. So I've been pondering how they got that way. Yesterday a good friend stopped by our house to visit with her children, who are about the ages of my younger ones. I showed her around the house, all the construction, new dry wall and dust. She loved seeing it. And today she said, "There you were surrounded by your parents and kids, boxes in every room, everything in upheaval and yet you were cheerful and joyful." Her comment blessed me and is a key to raising kids who enjoy working. Attitude. It just cannot be stressed enough that our attitudes...how we CHOOSE to think about things, affects not just us, but everyone around us. And if we choose to enjoy work, our children, most likely, will too. At least eventually. 

Another way to help pass on this value is to work alongside your children while you are working hard. And maintaining that great attitude while you're at it. I remember my youngest, Lydia, coming to me around the age of 2, crying and dragging the central vacuum hose behind her, saying, "I need your help mommy...I can't do it." I asked her why she was trying to vacuum. She said Katy (who was about 5 or 6 at the time) had told her to. So I asked Katy why she had told Lydia to vacuum and she said, Isaac had told her to. Yes, it went all the way to the top. I had asked Tim who was 14, or possibly Jonathan who would have  been about 18, to vacuum the upstairs. He told (actually "delegated" would be the word he used) Rachel to vacuum, Rachel told Grace, Grace told Isaac...you get the picture.

I realized my kids were great at delegating...because I spent my time delegating chores to them. I reminded them they need to do the jobs I give them and not delegate them away. So I gave us all jobs upstairs and we all went to work together. I worked alongside them. I have to say I was usually pretty consistent in working with my young children but as they got older I would give them jobs and I wouldn't stay with them. When I didn't follow up or inspect, they would cut corners or delegate the job to a younger sibling. Then I would take a deep breath (far too often after losing my cool and yelling at everyone) and do my best to work with them for awhile, training and giving feedback. I wanted to show them work is a part of life and when you get the work done, you can enjoy the fruit of your labors. Of course, they would say we never got the work done, but if you make a reasonable list for the day, you really can finish the list. Key word: reasonable. 'Nuff said. Precious little feels better than checking off all the items on your To Do list and knowing you did a good job. Teach this to your kids. They will thank you.

A final thought on helping foster a love of working in your children is to speak encouragingly to your kids and others when they are working hard. If we are spitting tacks the whole time, nobody will enjoy it. If I complain and grumble, guess what? I hear everyone around me complaining and grumbling. But Jim understands this principle, and showed enjoyment of his work to Blake and Blake immediately picked up on it. If I make a point to enjoy the sunshine, the birds or beauty of the mountains when working outside, or if I remember my grandmother when dusting her sideboard, and tell my kids stories about her, we are all blessed. Make a conscious effort to say positive things to those who are working. And finally, thank them and point out specific things you notice they've done particularly well. Everyone appreciates being appreciated. 

So if you want your kids to value hard work: 

1. Have a good attitude
2. Work alongside your kids
3. Speak words of encouragement
4. Thank them verbally and specifically

I would love to start a discussion on how you help your kids enjoy working.
Please post your thoughts below in the COMMENTS section. Thanks!

            In fact, before my parents both became school teachers, they would actually pull my brother and me out of school for a month, usually April, and we would take our class assignments with us. Over the course of those 18 years, I proudly managed to travel to 47 of the lower 48. Dad insisted on leaving all forms of time telling at home, except one small Timex my mom kept in her purse. At first we would keep track of the time, but by the end of two months, no one cared. Thoroughly unplugged from the world for those weeks, I remember the excitement we all felt as we headed out with no plans. As the years progressed, mom noticed it took my dad more and more time to unwind. Initially, by the end of the 2nd week, dad was relaxed and happy. By the year they retired from teaching, it took dad all summer to undo the year’s stress.

            Little did we know but we were engaging in one of the most important ways to truly find rest. We all know how much better we feel after a day outside. Just ask any elementary teacher and they will tell you how taking a class of first graders outside to play for awhile helps them settle down before they resume desk work. But did you realize there is scientific evidence proving that being outside, specifically away from anything man-made, actually helps your brain function better?

            A study was conducted in Utah in 2012 by cognitive neuroscientist David Strayer, Ph.D., and two professors from University of Kansas, cognitive scientist Paul Achtley and his wife Ruth Ann Achtley, a clinical psychologist. The theory they wanted to test is called Attention Restoration Theory (ART) which discusses the two main types of thinking:
Top-down and Bottom-up.

            Top-down thinking is also called "directed attention" and deals with specific tasks that are required on a daily basis, like writing a paper, planning your weekly schedule or attending a meeting. Think of your frontal lobe firing up to get the work done. 
           
​            Bottom-up thinking is also called "soft fascination" and occurs when you don't have specific tasks to solve or perform, when you can let loose. Think of being outdoors with no other distractions. You can feel the warmth of the sunlight on your arms as it filters through the trees, hear the water rushing in the nearby brook or the cries of a bird flying overheard. Your attention can flit from one observation to the next without any need to remember or DO anything. Your frontal lobe gets to go on vacation. ​​

            The theory goes on to state that the “brain benefits” of "getting away from it all" only really happen outdoors, except for meditation which has been proven to reboot mental acuity. The key is to unplug your mind and give it a rest. The study shows that the increase in brain function or mental acuity, after being away from all signs of civilization, is statistically significant. Focusing on one task at a time, as opposed to multi-tasking, results in more items accomplished, with better cognitive activity.

            The results of this study clearly demonstrate two things: when we try to multi-task, we get fewer things done with less mental acuity, and we NEED to get outdoors. The magic number is actually three consecutive days unplugged and away from civilization. But all time unplugged and in the wilderness, even a 1/2 hour walk in the woods with our phone at home, or turned off, improves our mental facility. 

            Clearly, a main take-away from this is to make time in the wilderness, even walking outside every day, a priority. For me, the best time is in the morning, so when I face my tasks for that day, I will already have recharged my batteries and can focus on each item individually. Obviously, moms with small children will find this a challenge but ANY time outdoors focusing on sights, smells, sounds and feeling the weather, will be highly beneficial to how you feel that day. When my children were young, we frequently went on hikes, and every day we tried to do something outdoors. Anyone can get the benefits of the outdoors with a little planning. I remember, many years, ago when Tim was a baby, walking with him every night when he woke up in pain from ear infections. He would only sleep while I held him. At that time we lived in Banner Elk, North Carolina, and when I could, I would go outdoors and drink in the stars. When it was too cold, I could look out of our living room window and see the majestic Beech Mountain. And I would pray...just meditate on the goodness of God. My soul was restored. My baby slept. Amazingly, I didn’t feel sleep deprived during that year. Prayer and worship combined with living outdoors, as much as possible, carried me.

            A second take-away is to try to go camping/hiking/backpacking every year, or seasonally, and for an extended period…at least three days. Get away into the wilderness, unplugged for awhile. I plan to take my family camping and help us restore our brains, as well as our emotions, minds and spirits, deep in the woods.

            Let's all get outside to give our frontal lobes a break...
            And just see if we don’t get more done...

​You can read the original article here:

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​©2016

I’m convinced that being heard is a human need. Every night after I was in bed, for as far back as I can remember, my mom made a point to come to my room, sit on the edge of my bed and let me talk. If I didn't just start talking, she would ask me how my day had been. Or she would ask specifically about some part of my day, or what I had learned. Every night she made a point to engage with my heart, hear me out, find out what I was thinking and feeling. My mom made it crystal clear that she really wanted to know me. ​And it felt good. ​​

​To this day she listens to me. In fact, even now, if I see my mom, I start talking. She developed that reflex in me. She is a safe place, someone who hears me and doesn't judge. She loves me unconditionally. And I have tried to engage with my children in the same way. I want to know what they think and what they feel. I want them to want to talk to me. 

Have you ever felt like you might bust because you couldn't wait to tell someone something you just heard or learned? Or felt like you would burn up from the fire in your heart or bones, you were so excited? It is easy to feel discouraged … even hurt or angry if no one will listen to you. It can feel like a bucket of cold water has been poured over you in an attempt to put out that fire. When your child lies down at night and starts thinking about what happened that day, or is touched by God’s Spirit or learns something deep and profound, who will listen? Who is there? Nothing is worse than being ignored, or treated like you do not matter. Parents carry a huge burden to be sure their children have somewhere to put the fire in their bones, a place to talk about their observations on life, someone who truly cares about them. Children need a fireplace for their fire.
 
Fire is basically a powerful and useful chemical reaction, but to help us cook and keep us warm, it needs to be harnessed. Without a fireplace, a fire can rage out of control and consume our homes and businesses. Fires need fireplaces. And you can be that for your children. Think about it: Where do you turn when you have a heart full of the goodness of God and want somewhere to share it? Or what do you do when you learn something new and want to show someone else? To whom do you turn when your heart is breaking? Who shares your joys? Who shares your sorrows? As parents we need make it our priority to be there for our children when they come home, or call home, brimming with news. We need to take time to listen, to really listen, and care. We need to do this when they are ready to speak, when they are seeking to talk to us. Taking the time to listen and understand is a big part of loving. 
 
Being heard, really heard, shows that someone cares and being cared for is as basic as it gets. As soon as our children are able to talk it seems like they never stop. It is too easy to train ourselves to tune them out, falsely believing that whatever we are doing at the moment is more important than their baby talk. But in those early days of speech our children learn quickly if we are listening to them, if we care what they are saying. If not, they get louder and look for ways to get our attention. Eventually they will act out. Any attention is better than no attention. Precious little is worse than being ignored.
 
So how do we prepare ourselves to be a fireplace for all this fire? How do we prepare to listen, especially when we have real responsibilities that vie for our time?

1. First we need to make time for our children. Even if they come to us at an inappropriate or inconvenient time to talk about something, try to take a few minutes to engage them, right then. If needed, schedule a time to talk more fully later, but only if you absolutely must. If you do reschedule a time to talk with them, honor it. Fully. Don’t ever be the person, that parent, who says you’ll show up but doesn’t. Make your children, and the things they want to tell you, a priority.
2. Be willing to be inconvenienced…for the sake of your relationship with your child. When I’m in the middle of making the bed or reading a book, stopping to chat for a few minutes isn’t a problem. But if I’m cooking something for dinner that will burn without supervision, or on the phone with the bank or something else that needs me not to be distracted, I need to put my child off for a few minutes. Teach your children they are important by making them wait if necessary, then giving them your full – FULL – attention as soon as possible. If you want your children to talk to you when they are teenagers, you MUST listen to them when they are young.
3. Make discussions, listening and hearing, a priority on a daily basis. Dinner time together is a great way to discuss things that happened during the day. It is not only a time that is regularly scheduled but you will kill two birds with one stone. Win-win! Or talk when you tuck them in bed. If they are too old to tuck in, visit with them in the evening when you are both home. Find the time. Make the time.
4. It’s never too late. Don’t feel that if you don’t have a great relationship now that it’s impossible to start. You are still the single person in your child’s life that matters most. Having a relationship with your parents is of utmost importance to children. Every child wants their parents to be proud of them, to listen to them and love them. If you put in the effort and refuse to be put off and wounded by harsh words, you will be able to establish a relationship no matter how many years have been lost.
5. Everyone wants to be heard. Really heard. You will need to give your full attention to your child, ask questions to show you are listening. Repeat back what you have heard, what you think they said. Keep at it until you know the story. Enjoy conversing with your child. Learn who they are. What they dream. Who they want to become. Be part of the conversation. Let them know who you are. What you’ve done. What you still would love to do.

​Be a fireplace and let the fire in your children burn in you too. 

What ways do you use to keep communication with your children open? Please share your comments below.
​
Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
©2016

While I was doing my 30 minutes on the elliptical one day last week, I tried to find something worth watching on TV and ended up watching an ancient episode of Lassie. I was blown away at the parenting techniques used by the dad of Lassie’s owner, Timmy, a young boy of about seven. 

​In the show, Timmy overheard two boys on his baseball team planning to deceive their coach so one of them could pitch the opening game of the season. One of the boys saw Timmy nearby and realized he had probably heard what they had discussed and threatened Timmy if he told anyone. Timmy struggled to sleep that night but finally got up to tell his father: 

"Well, what is it son?"
"Well, I heard something today at practice. I wasn't spying or anything. It was sort of accidental like."
"Well, do you want to talk about it?"
"Well, Jim told Bob he'd give him his old bicycle if Bob would pretend he had a sore arm, so Jim could pitch the first game. Bob didn't see me but Jim did."
"Did Bob agree to this ... deal?"
"He said he would."
"Did you report this to Mr. Campanella?"
"No"

His father’s response to hearing the story was, “Well, this is a pretty sad situation. What do you intend to do about it?”
"Jim said if I told anybody I'd be a yellow-squealer. And besides nobody would believe me against him and Bob. And he said he'd be sure Lassie wouldn't get to be mascot." 
"Timmy, you know that it's wrong to offer a bribe. And you know that it's just as wrong to accept a bribe. And if nothing is done about this, the whole team will suffer. And a team isn't just one man."
"Do you think I should tell Mr. Campanella?"

​And this is his dad's amazing answer:
"It doesn't matter what I think. It's what you think. You know what honesty means. And loyalty."
"Then what should I do?"
"You should do what you feel is right. This is your team. And it's your problem. And it's your decision."

That was it…no advice, no prompting Timmy to work through a decision, just a simple, “I have faith in you. You will make a good decision.” Timmy went to his bed, still couldn’t sleep and got out of bed to pray. Then he went to sleep. Later in the episode the parents were getting in their truck to go watch the game and Timmy’s mom asked his dad, “I wonder what Timmy decided to do?” And his dad responded, “I guess we will find out soon.” And they got in the truck.
I was shocked. But impressed. They trusted their son to make the right decision to tell the coach what he had overheard but didn’t pressure him either way. Timmy had to make the decision on his own and would have had to reap the consequences of whatever decision he made. This is incredible parenting and highlights the trust the parents had in their son and their willingness to put the responsibility squarely on him. This is not how we tend to parent our children today. We gravitate to one of two extremes; either we micromanage and hover or we ignore until something really awful happens and then get angry. But Timmy’s dad shows us there is a better way, and it’s somewhere above the middle.
When we pull apart this parenting technique, we find five main principles:

1. Be Available: Even though Timmy’s dad didn’t advise him or tell him what he should do, his dad was home and available for Timmy to approach. Make sure your children know you want to know what is going on in their lives. Talk daily with them. Draw them out and engage them. You have 18 years, or less if they tune you out earlier, to build a relationship with them.
2. Start Young: You have a limited time to invest in your children. Use it wisely. Start young (age 2-3) with chores like collecting trash or setting the table. Include them in your everyday home responsibilities like laundry, dishes or cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen.
3. Trust your Children: Plain and simple, Timmy’s dad trusts him to make a good decision. The right decision. Even though Timmy is only 7 years old, he has had enough time in his family (the first 6 years) to observe good decisions being made and his father trusts him to think, and pray, through to a good decision.
4. Allow your Children to make the Decision: When you take away your child’s ability to make decisions for themselves, they may not learn to make good ones. Give them space to make decisions and be there with support but don’t offer your advice, don’t react with disgust or alarm. Simply give them your faith that they will choose well.
5. Allow your Children to Reap the Consequences:  When your children make great decisions, the consequences are easy to accept and confidence is built with each one. But allowing them to deal with the consequences after making poor decisions is hard. It is so much better to learn from mistakes when a child is young rather than when they are old enough for the decision to affect them for the rest of their lives. I’m a huge proponent of teaching responsibility when my kids are young so I can trust their decisions when they are older.

 
And it starts with making wise decisions yourself, teaching right from wrong at an early age, loving deeply, and being available daily to communicate. 

Anything else that comes to mind to help our children become responsible? Please post your thoughts in the comments below. Thanks!

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
©2016

You can say a favorite short scripture every day and your baby will remember it. Many excellent books are available and can often be found at yard sales or from friends of older children. 

I am picky about my books. I do not want stories that have no meaning. Or that have a bad storyline. I want to read stories to my kids that inspire, encourage and excite. I want to leave them with something to chew on long after the story is over. But obviously, this doesn't happen overnight. First books are simple. My preference for  books with a single word or so per page, is for the pictures to be either photos of real items, or very well drawn pictures. I want the books to have realistic information for my child. I do not care for cartoon style pictures that do not look like the real item. If my child is looking at a train, I want them to see a train, not a blobby cartoonish train-like picture. But that's me. I am all for learning at every opportunity. That said, I adore Dr. Seuss books. And they look nothing like real life. I like them because they have great stories, moral lessons for all of us. Who doesn't feel bad along with the Lorax seeing the trees all cut down? 

Schedule reading time every day. We used to read after lunch as a precursor to naptime for the younger kids. I would read aloud with all the kids on the sofa with me. Then, I'd put the littles down for their naps. While the little ones, and sometimes mama, slept, the older kids would read their reading assignments or for pleasure...we would strive for a house-wide quiet time, at least as much as possible. And we would read again as part of going to bed at night. We would mix it up some too because I didn't want the kids to think every time we got out a book it was time to go to bed. But during my pregnancies I could barely stay awake to read aloud to the kids. And I was pregnant for 6 years (8 pregnancies) during my childrens' childhoods. I cannot tell you how many times I would begin to read history or science aloud only to find my self waking up on the sofa, covered with a blanket and NO kids in sight.

Just be sure to find time every day to read to your kids. And keep it up as long as they will tolerate it.
​Snuggle them, enjoy them.
The time is so short. ​​

What kind of books, or which specific books, do you prefer? Tell us your favorites in the comments below...Thanks!

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
©2016

And most of the time the difference is in your attitude. What is that statistic? It's 10% what you have to do, 90% your attitude toward it...I don't know how true that actually is but my experience seems to bear it out.

So how do we encourage great attitudes in our children? 
Are your ready? 

Start with yourself...

Ahhhh, yes, I am talking to myself as much as to anyone else. This is a painful subject because none of us like to really look deep at ourselves...or if we do, we often don't like what we find there. But we ALL have the CHOICE to have a good, or a bad, attitude. 
We need to teach this truth to our children starting at the very earliest ages. 
If I'm running around spitting tacks at everyone, why am I surprised, frustrated or angered when my child "spits tacks" at me? 
Obviously, you and your child will not have a great attitude every moment of every day, but there are some guideposts, or checkpoints you can use to gauge your attitude and help readjust it if necessary.

Remember, we...you and I as the parents, set the tone of our home.

I sometimes struggle with anger. And I have come to realize that if I find myself getting angry at my kids, it is a cue that I am not being consistent in how I respond to them.  I was amazed at this realization. Listening to my emotions, my attitude, and using it as a cue that I need to change how I am doing or not doing something, with my kids, has been a GAME-CHANGER...

So what to do?

Take a deep breath. 
I don't know anytime in our lives when taking a deep breath is not a good idea. :)
Assess your emotions.
Figure out what you are feeling and, if you can, figure out WHY you feel that way.
You cannot change what you don't understand. 
In my case, I resolve to work at being consistent in responding to my children. 

One thing that has helped me tremendously over the years is changing how I think about my children. I decided I wanted to consider my children in terms of compassion instead of anger. Remember how Jesus, "...had compassion on them." I wanted to be like that. If my kids messed up something seemingly on purpose, or if they yelled in anger, or gave any other indication they were upset, I began to train myself to think of them as needing help rather than taking offense at what they were doing to me. I prayed daily to have compassion on them instead of getting angry at them. I tried to apply the golden rule and respond to them in compassion as I would want to be treated if I was upset. Responding with compassion instead of frustration or anger diffused their frustration or anger much more quickly than if I became upset at them. Everyone wants others to understand them. Everyone wants to be treated with kindness. I do. You do. Our children and spouses do. If we want to see change...it starts with me. With you. Model it and your kids will begin to pick it up. Attitudes are caught before they can be taught. 

These same principles work for everyone...not just you, your spouse, your children, but also your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors and extended family. 
But it is up to us as parents to teach our children how to deal with their emotions. 
Teach your kids the golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do to you.
And practice it. All. The. Time.
Talk it out and make plans to help each other.
Once your kids know you are on their side, you will be amazed at how much you all will grow.

What do you think? What has worked for you to help everyone have a good attitude? Please post in comments below! Thanks!
​ ​
Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
©2016

Years ago I remember my Uncle Bob commenting on how I spoke to my 5 year old. She was not very tall and I got down on one knee and looked her straight in the eye. Every time she looked away I gently took her chin and turned her head back and said, "Look in my eyes and listen to me." ​

After it was over, I asked her to repeat what I had said to her. She reiterated back in her own words and then did whatever it was I needed her to do. Probably be less noisy.

His point was that I stopped everything I was doing and took the time to engage her. Number one rule to parenting...IT TAKES TIME...at least to do it well. Sure you can put your foot down and bluster out, "Because I told you to..." or you can ignore noisy or bad or rough behavior for quite a while...then reach your threshold and blow up. But that just teaches your child to ignore what they don't like, or yell for what they want. There is a better way. 

~~Stop what you are doing...  (you need to decide what is more important, your child or whatever you are doing)

~~Collect one child at a time...  (it doesn't usually work very well to talk to a group of kids about bad behavior. One at a time, and be sure to talk individually to each one)

~~Engage that one child...   (Let them know they are IMPORTANT. Important enough for you to be willing to stop what you are doing to teach them. Like seriously how many times have I told my kids, "What I was doing was important...remember I was making dinner? ...but your CHARACTER is way more important to me than fully cooked potatoes."

~~Lovingly but firmly explain what they are doing must stop, Or what they are not doing must start.  (Give your message, appeal to that child, in love, but firmly expect them to behave, to honor your request)

~~Expect obedience...  (Yes, expect them to obey. It is amazing how much your children want you to be pleased with them)

~~If they do not mind you, start over, or implement your already established methods of dealing with defiance. Time out, loss of privilege, spanking, whatever you and dad, or mom...the child's other parent... have chosen. 

The key here is to remain calm. Haha...yes, I'm preaching to myself... 
But I promise you, if you remain calm, you will stand a much better chance of having a calm household.
It is HARD.
It is HARD to remain calm when you've already given up whatever you had been doing.
It is HARD to learn a new way to deal with your children. 
It is HARD to stay cheerful and pleasant and expect obedience. 
It is HARD...but SO WORTH IT!

​How do you get your children to listen to you and hear what you're saying? Let's get a conversation going...such an important topic!! Thanks!
​
Article written by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​©2016

Some of my friends think of their children's lives in terms of thirds. Each third has 6 years in it, for a total of 18 years. By the time that child is a sophomore in high school, they are in the middle to end of the last third of the time the parents have to invest in that child while they are living under the same roof. It's rather sobering to think of our time with our children in this way, but it is so helpful to make sure we don't squander the time we have left. 

In the first third of life with our child, we go from newborn to age six. A lot happens in this time. Memorization is easy for your young child, so spend time investing in their memory of poems, scripture, pithy sayings. new languages. Exposure to lots of options is key here. When our oldest child, Cliff, was 1-5 years old we lived in married student housing at University of Rochester in NY. Our neighbors came from all over the world and one of Cliff's best friends was a little boy from Korea named Andrew. One day as I was visiting Andrew's mom, Cliff started saying something that sounded like Korean to me, but I wasn't sure. Andrew's mom started laughing and said he was telling her son to go to bed so he could play with his toys. I was embarrassed at how rude my son was but my friend was excited that he understood Korean. I came to find out my son was speaking the native languages of all his little international friends. As I already found out he was speaking Korean at the Korean household, but he was also speaking French at the apartment of our friends from Canada, Russian with our next door neighbors and Icelandic with our neighbors from Reykjavik. It was a small window when he did this, from about age 1-3. Habits are established during these first years, good or bad, including how your child will use their time, types of food that are preferred, bedtimes, routines, chores. Attitudes are also established during the first six years. It's never too late to start the habit of making memories...great memories...as a family. Go on trips, plan fun things with extended family or friends. Visit museums, especially hands-on museums and out door events. Use these events and trips to maintain good communication with your child. Communication is the key to success in parenting. 

During the second third of our time with our child, ages 6-12, the habits and routines that were established during the first 6 years are reinforced. Children this age question everything and they love to make decisions. I am a firm believer in giving my kids ample opportunity to make decisions, and make mistakes, before those mistakes will affect the rest of their lives. Small controlled mistakes can help your child realize they don't know everything. They can learn they might need help with things and should ask for help. Continue your habit of travel and begin taking your kids out of the country. We had so many kids, over such a long stretch, we only took family vacations where we could drive. But we would travel up and down the East coast and visit historic places and learn history. One year we took our family vacation to Williamsburg and spent one week going on all the guided tours. We studied Williamsburg and the founding of the nation before going and the kids were able to ask deep reflective questions of the guides. Expose your children at this age to as many career and interest options as possible. See what clicks. Start music lessons at age 6 or 7. We make music, specifically piano, a non-negotiable. Every one of our 8 kids took at least 6 years of piano. Ask around for a good teacher. We make sure they get to draw, throw clay, sew clothing, cook meals, change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, prepare the soil for a garden, then plant, water, weed and harvest the fruit and veggies. We process some of our home-grown food by canning...mostly jellies and apple sauce. I also start each child out around this age with a bank account. If they save their money from chores or gifts, we double it in their account. Only caveat is if they want to withdraw the money, we have to approve of the purchase or they have to give us the same amount they want to withdraw. That provides a sort of forced savings for us that goes directly to each child as they choose to save their money. It's win-win because the kids like us to double their investments so they are more apt to save, and it gives us a way to put money away for our kids education. When our kids pay for college, the money was half saved by them. Huge incentive for them for life. 

To get ideas to help your children develop their interests, check out the Boy Scouts of America merit badge requirements. If you Google "merit badge" you will find the sites. Each merit badge covers knowledge in a different area. They range from Auto Mechanics to Zoology, dentistry, architecture, personal finance...there are 141 merit badges currently. They give wonderful overview of the topic and great questions and research ideas to give your child a solid understanding if the topic is of interest to them or not. Keep the lines of communication open. Do not force your child to do things they really do not want to do. Unless it's one of your non-negotiables...like piano for us. Pick your fights wisely. But have them look at the merit badge list and see if anything sparks an interest. Start this before puberty. Investing in your child can become harder after puberty unless you make communication your priority. Communication is the key to success in parenting.

The last third of your child's 18 years at home need to be spent gaining skills in multiple areas of interest. Jobs are offered based on experience not book work. Of course it is also good to excel at school and be involved in multiple extracurricular activities. But from ages 12-18 your child will finish junior high school and high school and apply to college or follow a career path. Having a strong sense of direction, or a strong interest, is very helpful. Have them volunteer to gain experience. And get jobs as early as possible so they get a good sense of real life. Managing their time, making money, keeping up with school and interests. Talk about everything. Keep communicating! Know your child better than anyone else. Give them freedom to talk about anything. Be their greatest advocate. Let them know you will not judge them. You can be disappointed in choices they make but never hold them to a higher standard than you hold yourself. Love them well. Remember birthdays, and special events. Always cheer them on! Be involved. Your years of deeply investing in your child are ending soon. Make the most of the time you have left. Redeem the time. 

How do you make the most of the time you have with your children? Please post in the comment section below. Thanks!

Article by Ruth Grunstra
All Rights Reserved
​©2016

Pretty much all my life I have thought of trial and error as bad. Or at least as something to avoid because to me it meant I hadn't really done my homework. In my thinking, trial and error implied a sort of failure. But I was wrong. ​

Thomas Edison is credited with saying, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 things that do not work." Trial and error is not failure. Even though relying solely on trial and error means you will probably take longer to figure things out, it also means you OWN what you've learned and I am a huge proponent of owning my knowledge. I want this for my kids. And I want it for you. But when it comes to raising your kids, can you be considered responsible if you rely on trial and error? 

As you probably know, my husband and I have a large family, 8 kids, and when we had our first we only knew what we remembered from our own childhoods. This is true for most new parents. One of my friends had a job as a nanny, many babysat, some a LOT, and these friends learned quite a bit along the way, but my husband and I called our firstborn our "experimental model." He got our first responses to everything. If I read a new parenting book, I tried out the advice on him. If I ran into a question of what to do or how to handle something, I would ask around, look up books in the library and try out whatever I was told. But the catch is, this is your CHILD, not a new way to cook mushrooms, or a fast way to write a report...and the results don't come in for a long time....sometimes YEARS!

Trial and error benefits us because we experience what works and what doesn't. We then can speak from that experience. Where trial and error falls down, especially on the child-rearing front, is when you make "mistake" after "mistake" and your child suffers. So as in all things in life there needs to be a balance between trial and error and seeking advice. My experience has been that I will try something that seems reasonable, maybe a 2nd thing if the first didn't work, but after that second attempt to correct or fix the problem or concern, I can be found searching everywhere for help. Seeking advice for our firstborn was probably the best parenting we could offer him. We learned from our moms, older friends with kids, other parents around us, books and magazines. I applied advice that was given to help us. Some of it was HARD...like how to lovingly but firmly discipline an out-of-control 4 year old. In that we were mentored with loving follow-up. But it gave us back our sanity. Where we relied on trial and error we often ended up not even realizing what practices we were implementing because they morphed over time. But our oldest is now a daddy with his own little guys and doing a great job. So I can say with some confidence that all those days of trying one thing, not liking the results and trying another thing, did actually work. And so did taking advice. 

The very same principle is true for our kids and how they learn. Study after study shows people remember details best when they have some experience with the outcome. It's one reason most kids prefer labs to sitting in class. Being outside chasing bugs is far superior to being at a desk, memorizing the Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus and Species. When my child has a bug they've caught and mounted, learning the Latin name becomes much more relevant.  This is where trial and error shines...in the classroom of experience.  Give me a fish and I eat for a day. Teach me to fish and I eat for a lifetime. When we have learned what works and what doesn't, we OWN that knowledge.        

You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't interested in learning something new, so you can take what I say here and apply any parts that fit your life, or pass on to someone who might benefit from anything that sounds interesting or intriguing. But also realize when you try something and don't like the results, or feel it didn't work, you haven't FAILED...you've LEARNED.  Do yourself a favor...don't use the word FAIL again. At least not in this context and especially in regard to your children. Something might not work, but you've still learned from the process.    

​What do you think about trial and error as it relates to parenting? What are your experiences? Join the conversation in the comments below and let's all learn from each other! Thanks!          ​

Article by Ruth Grunstra
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