How to create a blueprint for success
Katy and Lydia, my two youngest daughters, are having a sleepover this weekend. The fun began just because they wanted to see their friends and catch up. Not so different than I feel about my friends, except we don’t do sleepovers. Although I love for my girls to have their friends over, and for them to connect, I was less than enthusiastic about the timing of this get-together. The girl’s shared bedroom, bathroom and bunk bed were in rough shape. Along with the multiple leftovers from their older sisters’ occupation of the same room, they have added two dressers, a huge swivel chair and more clothing than I care to mention. To my knowledge, no one wears much of the clothing anymore but somehow it keeps getting stuffed into drawers. Don't judge me, but I gave up on their room a long time ago. But knowing they had friends coming soon rekindled my concern and I just couldn't shake it. Something had to be done.
I am fascinated by the interactions and family dynamics on the new TV show, "This is Us." My daughter Grace and I work hard to get time to share it so we record every episode. That way, we can steal some time together to watch it. I won't reveal anything here but the character of Randall intrigues me. He wants to belong, to know where he is from and why he is different from everyone else. The show is slowly revealing his journey. One of my primary goals every year is that my children know they belong. So this year, much to the chagrin of my youngest, I gave them matching pajamas to wear on Christmas.
Bam bam bam rat a tat tat Bam bam bam rat a tat tat...
All I could hear were the pounding beats of my oldest child, Cliff, practicing his drums. And I tried to appreciate it. Really. I did love that he wanted to play an instrument, particularly after he stopped taking piano lessons, but the banging noise coming up from the basement would get to me. There was no good time for him to practice. At least if anyone was home. I began to resent it, until his teacher made a comment that completely changed how I thought about his drumming.
"Be careful! Don't fall!" I hate when those words escape my lips. It's not that I want my child to be injured, but I want to raise strong, confident kids, and we all know words have power...to build or destroy. I clearly remember moving into our current house. The box I was carrying was huge, extremely hard to maneuver through the front door, but my struggle with it paled in comparison to what I found inside.
I love words. Witty word-plays, puns, and even the occasional double entendre. But "snark," the younger, looser brother of wit, all too often spills out. Not to mention snark's granddad, sarcasm, who carries a well-honed edge that cuts like teeth. Unfortunately, I can wield those word-swords with the best. So for about as long as I can remember, I have been trying to control the words that exit my mouth.
To think before I speak.
We were standing outside Isaac's new apartment saying goodbye when I saw it. A tear. Welling up in his eyes. Then I realized they were streaming down his sister Grace's face, and puddling in Lydia's eyelashes. The dam broke and I declared I couldn't leave knowing he still needed trash bags. This all took place yesterday after we drove our youngest son to his new apartment near the campus of Virginia Tech. Recently accepted as a transfer student into the Engineering program, he is ready to make his mark in and on the world. But I'm not. I never really am ready. Even though I've done it 5 other times. It just doesn't get any easier.
It’s not every day you get an education about raising diligent and cheerful kids by someone laying floors in your home, but today I did. Jim is not only a friend, but an incredible contractor, builder, and cabinet maker. If you can envision something, he can build it. Right now Jim is building an apartment in our basement for my parents, who have already moved in with us since their house sold quickly. And this week, during the day, we are watching grandsons, Blake, who is 3, and Cayden, who is 9 months. We always have a houseful. Today Blake was more than intrigued by all the construction and at first stood quietly in the doorway, watching the flooring go down. Before long though, Blake was in the room chattering away, asking questions about what they were doing. The workers are great guys, 2 are Jim's sons, and were more than happy to throw answers and questions right back at him. Then I heard Blake in another room. I went in and found Jim and Blake sitting on the floor figuring out how to start the flooring in that room. Jim had Blake handing him screws as he put down the first board. When they finished, Jim gave Blake the box of screws to carry as he said, “Come on Blake, we have work to do!” And Blake cheerfully trotted after him. Jim gets it.
The memory of reaching the summit of Mount Sneffels in Colorado, with my dad in 1975, is one I will never forget. Sneffels was my 2nd 14,000 foot peak and I was hooked on adventure. In fact, the musty smell of old canvas still floods me with incredible memories. Every summer, my family would camp around the country with our trusty Army surplus canvas tent.
I’m convinced that being heard is a human need. Every night after I was in bed, for as far back as I can remember, my mom made a point to come to my room, sit on the edge of my bed and let me talk. If I didn't just start talking, she would ask me how my day had been. Or she would ask specifically about some part of my day, or what I had learned. Every night she made a point to engage with my heart, hear me out, find out what I was thinking and feeling. My mom made it crystal clear that she really wanted to know me. And it felt good.
While I was doing my 30 minutes on the elliptical one day last week, I tried to find something worth watching on TV and ended up watching an ancient episode of Lassie. I was blown away at the parenting techniques used by the dad of Lassie’s owner, Timmy, a young boy of about seven.
If your time with your child is limited, the best way to ensure you have special moments together is to plan! Then chill out. Realize most of your plans will be usurped by the ubiquitous mess or unexpected interruptions and delays. But without a plan in the first place you will not regain lost ground. With a game plan you have half a chance of redeeming the time.
Reading to your children, especially your baby, is one of the best bonding experiences. Start with board books that have limited words and big bold pictures. Young children like to memorize favorite books and will remember the words they memorize.
Life is exhilarating
Life is fun...
It can also be hard...
Really hard. And frustrating. And maddening.
Years ago I remember my Uncle Bob commenting on how I spoke to my 5 year old. She was not very tall and I got down on one knee and looked her straight in the eye. Every time she looked away I gently took her chin and turned her head back and said, "Look in my eyes and listen to me."
Make the most of your time, for it is short. Way shorter than you think.
Hi I'm Ruth
What is the biggest challenge you are facing with your child? My husband and I had the first of our 8 children in 1984 and our youngest in 2002. We've been married since 1980 and we are always learning new ways to engage our children. We would love to hear from you. Contact us and let us know what you have found that works and what doesn't, or ask me a question.
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